During Middays with Bernie, I have a dilemma solving session at around 12.30pm.. There was a huge response from listeners to Tara’s dilemma. She says…I’ve been going out with a really nice guy, Paul, and I
think we might have something special. We both feel the same way and
I haven’t felt so happy in ages. There is a problem though, and it
migh not bother some people, but it troubles me. My faith is very
important to me and having a relationship with God; so I was very
disappointed to learn that Paul doesn’t believe in God. He was
brought up Catholic but he made up his own mind in his teens, he says,
and now he just believes in “goodness.” We have lengthy discussions
on this, believe me, but he is still adamant. He’s a good man and
you could trust him with your life. But I wonder should I let our
relationship continue, knowing that something important would be
missing for me? Its just that I dread the thought of spending my life
with someone who has no faith.
Bernie’s Reply:
Tara as you say this might not be a big deal for a lot of people but
its hugely important to you. YOur faith has been central to your life
and has brought you great joy, and you treasure that. Then along
comes someone you really like, you’re great together – except he
doesn’t share your beliefs. This isn’t the same as contemplating a
marriage of mixed faiths, which can work out great. But when someone
differs with you on such a fundamental point, the existence of God,
you’re wondering if it’s a deal breaker. Maybe you’ve tried to look
ahead to what would happen if you both got married. Would it be a
church wedding? Then if you have children, how would he feel about
their religious education and upbringing? Would he object if you
brought them up in your faith? And then…going to church on your own
with the children. You might be happy enough with that, to go it
alone as it were, in relation to faith and your family. But I get
the sense that you might want more than that. Having said that, you
don’t say how old you are; many young people go through phases of
temporarily losing their faith, only to find it again ,and it brings
them great happiness. Maybe this is the case with Paul. But I agree
with you,he has to come to this without you trying to persuade him.
If you stop seeing him you will undoubtedly be heartbroken, but it
will pass. Only you can decide if he’s the right man for you, the
one you want to spend the rest of your life with.